StepMolly
by Molly Deuberry Craft
I’ve been called lots of things in my life, but Stepmolly was a new one.
Like most starry-eyed, love-flushed couples, when Tim Craft ’00 and I first started talking about getting married, we had lots of discussions about our future life together. Several of those discussions were about his kids, then four and six years old. Tim and his ex-wife adopted Ana (born in 2007) from Guatemala as an infant and Yoseph (born in 2009) from Ethiopia as a baby. One of the things that needed no discussion was that the kids would not call me “Mom.” They have a loving mom with whom Tim shares equal custody. We didn’t discuss alternatives to “Mom,” both assuming they would call me “Molly.”
On November 5, 2014, we sat down with the kids and told them we were getting married. They grinned, looked at each other conspiratorially, and asked, “Can we call you ‘StepMolly’?”
Tim and I were speechless. And emotional. I couldn’t have asked for a warmer welcome.
It was the first of many heartwarming experiences I would encounter as we began life together. Perhaps most precious (and surprising) in that moment was that the kids had clearly collaborated on this nickname prior to our big reveal. They continue to surprise me.
most of what I have discovered about life with kids are things that wouldn’t surprise any seasoned parent. But I went from zero children to a life instantly integrated with two mobile, verbal, active children, so there were bound to be surprises.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a strong urge to have a biological baby. In my mid-twenties, God started to give me a heart for being a stepmom. I slowly warmed to the idea, and unlike several of my single friends, I never minded dating someone who already had kids.
I’m not sure why I thought I would ever be qualified to be someone’s stepmom. I had a very nuclear, Leave It to Beaver family. Though some aunts, uncles, and cousins were divorced and remarried, no one in my immediate family was. I had no firsthand experience with a stepparent or stepkids but always felt it was in my future if I married.
My friends had a variety of comments when they heard Tim’s kids were 4 and 6 years old. “Perfect!” “They would adjust so well if you get married.” “No dirty diapers!” “At least they’re not teenagers yet!”
And as my love for the kids has grown, I do reflect with gratitude that I dodged dirty diapers, toilet training, and high chairs.
But I also missed the excitement of gummy smiles of recognition, first words, and first steps. Parents talk about how fast the time goes, and I am learning that myself. I’m also realizing how you can’t make up for lost time—or even passed time.
One Sunday in church, we kept the kids in the big service with us. Yoseph climbed up into my lap and wanted me to hold him instead of standing to sing. He was six years old at the time and long and gangly, almost too big to physically hold. But he is a snuggler, and I couldn’t resist just a moment with him like that. Tim motioned that he should stand on his own, but I couldn’t resist.
“Just a minute more,” I whispered.
As we drove home that day, I quietly and somewhat tearfully reminded Tim that I didn’t get to snuggle Yoseph as the cute baby from Ethiopia when he came to the United States so many years ago.
“There are only so many more times when he will want to sit in my lap,” I explained. Even though I should teach him more independence and how to sit in church by himself, I want to hold him as long as he’ll let me. Tim nodded with tears in his own eyes and clasped my hand. Yoseph will be grown soon. So I’ll hold on to these minutes—these moments—as long as I can.
in february I attended a gathering where everyone went around the table and shared their favorite part about being a mom. I found myself stumped. Not because I don't like being their stepmom, but in which parts do I find the joy?
As I thought about it later, I realized that in my pragmatic nature, I approached (step)motherhood as a problem to be solved. Shoes piling up by the door? Position a basket nearby. No one hangs up his or her coat in the closet? Install a coat rack and wall hooks in a convenient location. Too many school-morning meltdowns? Revised early bedtimes for our sleepy, sleep-deprived boy. Slow-moving little girl in the morning? A strict routine of the order in which things get done—and no TV in the morning.
But what are the moments in which I find joy? As I thought about it, and believe me I really thought about it, I realized that in sharing the stories about the kids on my blog and on Facebook, I find joy. But why was that? My reflections on the moments when they taught me something unexpected or made me laugh, helped me to realize how much joy they bring me.
when it was my turn at the table that afternoon, I shared that one of my favorite things about being a parent is when the kids begin to like something strictly because of me. I used the example of the soundtrack to the Hamilton musical. Though the lyrics aren’t always family-friendly, the soundtrack has sparked great discussions about history. I am a huge history and government nerd, so I love seeing the kids take an interest in the three branches of government, the Constitution, and the American Revolution.
Maybe all parents appreciate when their kids appreciate an interest of theirs—or maybe they don’t notice. But as a stepmom, I definitely don’t take it for granted. These kids already reflect many of the likes, dislikes, and habits of their mom and dad. So when, after only two years, they pick up some of my habits and likes and dislikes, it makes me smile because it makes me feel even more so that they belong to me…and I to them
It’s About Mutual Respect
It’s about mutual respect.
When they divorced, Tim and his ex-wife really tried to lay the groundwork for a positive, healthy co-parenting relationship.
When Tim and I started dating, one of the things that most impressed me was that he didn’t bad-mouth his ex-wife. He explained what led to their split, that they still communicated frequently because of the kids, and that they were on generally good terms.
They sit together or near each other at school and sporting events, ensuring that the kids don’t have to choose which parent to go to first at the end of the event.
They attend parent-teacher conferences together when schedules permit.
They walk the kids to the door when exchanging them (except now they’re older and sometimes run to the door on their own).
They collaborate on choosing extracurricular activities that have a cost before agreeing to them.
Because we want to have a good relationship, we check in before getting haircuts. And we communicate about upcoming doctor appointments. And we make it a point not only to return clothes and toys from her house that end up at ours, but to do so quickly.
Sure, we sometimes do things she disagrees with or would do differently, and vice versa. But our intention and our spirit is to keep things positive and collaborate when possible.
Read more from Deuberry Craft at her StepMolly blog: www.stepmolly.com