Apparently, the subtle genius of my weekly cartoons has not gotten through to the student body, since there continues to be rampant ungentlemanly behavior on campus, and has been for all of my four years at this institution. Therefore, I have no choice but to abandon the delicate knife of the cartoon in favor of the blunt instrument that is the written column. Thanks, you unwashed philistines.
First, it seems constantly declared that Wabash’s code of conduct is somehow less intrusive than the books of rules one finds at other colleges. Wrong. Those tomes of behavior instruct their students only on what they may not do; conversely, the Gentleman’s Rule prescribes everything that we are permitted to do. To follow the Gentleman’s Rule does not mean to simply avoid un-gentlemanly behavior – it means to actively and constantly behave as a gentleman. Moreover, the Rule does not abandon us when we leave campus. To be a supporter of the Gentleman’s Rule means that even off-campus one observes the Rule, even, dare we say, beyond graduation. So stop trying to tell me that the Gentleman’s Rule grants you unprecedented amounts of freedom rather than the massive burden of responsibility, you jackbooted tenpins.
And don’t try to say that what constitutes a gentleman is “a matter of interpretation.” That is a pile of bovine excrement great enough to fertilize enough organic vegetables to feed all the remaining hippies in the world. You and I both know that you and I both know exactly what a gentleman is - but for the sake of completeness allow me to spell it out. A gentleman behaves better than you. Whatever you are up to right now, a gentleman would be doing it more ethically, more considerately, more cheerfully, &c. That’s right, you artful plebeians, the Gentleman’s Rule is relative, but not in the way you thought it was! The Rule is a constant challenge for improvement, not an excuse for moral corruption in the name of authenticity. So enough of this Derridian nonsense – get your act together and start behaving like gentlemen, you circuitous proletarians.
Finally, no more comparisons to other educational institutions will be allowed. To be sure, the behavior we see at Wabash is hardly unique. At Oxford, even, that venerable institution nigh unto one thousand years old, I observed students making merry under the theme of “Golf Pros and Tennis Hos.” Though it is the height of arrogance, we are better even than the oldest English academy in the world – or rather, we could be, if you would stop being such insufferable fools. You say, “everyone else is doing it?” What criminal irresponsibility! If you ever plan to claim that Wabash really is unique among the thousands of universities, you’d better start acting like it and start supporting the Gentleman’s Rule with more than your flapping pie-holes, you two-faced gremlins.
So I don’t want to hear any more furious protestations when the administration is forced to crack down once again on ungentlemanly behavior. Guess what: running down a pledge with a taser is most decidedly not becoming of a gentleman, and, though I question the logic of the administration in appointing police to protect our delicate sporting field, neither is taunting and cursing said policemen when you can’t get what you want. No more do I want to hear students complaining that the Gentleman’s Rule is dead, because there is only one place blame can fall for the death of such a Rule – to those who fail to behave as gentlemen, i.e., you monumental disappointments.
The fate of the Gentleman’s Rule will not be decided by a powerless Senior Council whose weak-wristed declarations only point out already existing un-gentlemanliness (although, I support them so far as they shine a light on your iniquities). Nor will it be defined in silly letters, articles, and columns for the Bachelor or any of our other publications. As with any code of conduct, it can only be defined in the behavior of those who claim to follow it. We don’t need secret courts like Hampden-Sydney’s to support our Rule, we simply need all of you ignorant, immature, self-indulgent cretins to stop acting like you know what’s best for you and start acting like you want to be called “gentlemen.”