As I write this, I am both sad and happy. Amused and confused. At this week’s Student Senate meeting, I proposed, with the help of my friend Trayton White, the creation of the Zombie Survival Club at Wabash College.
Our proposal, which I will discuss in more detail below, was ultimately rejected. However, within hours of the end of the Senate meeting, emails were sent out both in favor and opposition to our club. Upset as I was at being rejected by the Senate, I am glad to know this campus is taking the zombie threat seriously. There can be no doubt that when the undead come to claim us, only the watchful and the ready will survive.
As it happens, our proposal was defeated by Mr. John Moton. Normally I would say the Senate defeated our motion, but this was not the case. Mr. White and I split the senators to a 13-13 decision. Mr. Moton was the rock upon which our hopes were dashed. I suppose I should have seen this coming. In response to my !students appeal for a zombie club, Mr. Moton replied, “The Student Senate has many serious clubs to fund throughout the semester, and I do not see the relevance of this organization.”
Obviously, he does not view a club seeking to ensure the survival of the human race as a “serious” club. However, I do not recall asking Mr. Moton’s opinion of my beliefs. In fact, I don’t recall asking the Student Senate to recognize the validity of zombies. What I recall is asking the representatives of the student body to officially validate the desire of their constituents to create a club, which had heretofore followed all the rules necessary for club creation. As noted anchorman Kent Brockman says, “Democracy simply doesn’t work.”
After the Senate meeting, Senator Aaron Bonar sent an email to all the senators, an email he was kind enough to share with me. Among his remarks was the following description of my opening statements at the meeting. “Chairman Moton,” wrote Bonar, “made a decision to cut Mr. Elliot’s [sic] speaking time due, apparently, to a dislike of ‘silliness.’ The Chair, probably to his dismay, does not really have this ability. Furthermore, Mr. Elliot [sic] had been granted the right to speak by the Chair and by the Student Senate, entitling him to his right to speak.” I wish I had better working knowledge of Robert’s Rules, or I would have said something then. Learning that I was unlawfully silenced is insulting and an abuse of the position of Senate Chair.
Though the emails concerning zombie invasions and our preparedness are flying about campus, I would like to close by saying a few things about what Mr. White and I were attempting to do in creating our club. I will now say the thoughts silenced by Mr. Moton. First, our goal as a club will be to educate students in both survival tactics and zombie physiology. To this end, we will be hosting meetings examining the film and literary works which discuss zombie outbreaks, attack, and the human response. We also envision the club giving students the chance to become a “Jack of all trades.”
This type of training will occur through events such as camping, in order to provide an opportunity to increase students’ knowledge of wilderness survival in preparation for the inevitable zombie attack; basic first aid training, which would allow students to master the mending of minor wounds in the likely event a doctor is unavailable; and cooking classes, which would grant students not only the skills to provide delicious meals during tough times but also ensure proper nourishment on whatever rations available. In order to fulfill our aspirations, we realize the club will need to become a place of integration for various other organizations on campus. We believe this goal to be well within the realm of a liberal arts education, and the skills learned in our club, in addition to being applicable to modern life, will be essential to helping us survive in a time when we are faced with the unthinkable.
I did not come to the Senate floor to argue the existence of zombies. I came to have it recognized that the students of Wabash College do not want to be caught unawares when a ghoul creeps forth from Greencastle. If you believe a club such as this warrants Student Senate recognition, please sign the petitions Mr. White and I will be carrying around this week or, better yet, make an appearance at next Tuesday’s Senate Meeting.
The proof of zombies is all around us. If you choose not to believe it, I will not have the energy to say “I told you so” when you become one of the living dead. I will be too busy reloading.